Nice interesting groups of young lads came into the store today, not a one of them over 20. I have a strong suspicion it was the first time in a store like this for at least three of the four young lads as there was a lot of giggling and carry on coming from them. I heaved a big sigh and wondered how long I was going to be tormented by the idiotic noises coming from this small group of physically but not mentally post pubescent boys. After they giggled and stirred each other up over the fake pussies and the penis pumps they made their way to the vibrator section. Now first thought when a group of young lads head in that direction is always...18th or 21st birthday party for a mate or Buck party. After they had giggled some more over the vibrators and yelled loudly that so and so would love this I had had enough and decided it was time to put my shit kicker boots on and either get them to buy something or get them to fuck off out of the shop.
"How can I help you guys today" said nice cheerful sales lady
"It's our friends birthday and we wanna get her a vibrator" pipes up young lad spokeslad of the year.
"Ah, is it a joke present or a serious present"
Dumbfounded looks, oh sorry, forgot to speak young person again, stupid stupid me, remember the K.I.S.S method.
At this stage feeling like I should be chewing gum and a g-string poking through the back of my pants.
"Is she going to use it or you guys just trying to piss her off or embarrass her"
Funny how they all have to look at each other before one of them can answer, do young people have some form of mental telepathy nowadays or are they just sheep?
"Yeah" is the response I am given, once again from the spokeslad. Ahh that narrows it down. But being a little bit psychic I say, you want something that is going to embarrass her but she might use it when she is on her own. "Yeah, yeah that's it"
O.K so how about a kit, they have all different types of vibes in them.
NAH! too plain.
O.K how about this vibe here, it has all the bells and whistles and 16 different functions to boot.
NAH!
O.K well I think I know what you are after, this one is something else and it has a function on it that no other vibe we have here has.
Eyes lighting up, eagerness abounds, voices all going at once.
Come with me lads and I will show you.
Off to the counter, place the 4 AA batteries that it requires in it and turn the machine from hell on.
Holy Fuck! Oh man oh man we gotta get that, holy shit do you see that thing, mofo thing is fucked up.
Settle down boys it is just a vibrator, sure it is a little different than most, but still just a vibe.
Happy with their purchase for their dear friend they noisily make their way out of the shop and hopefully my life :)
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Three Words.......OH MY GOD!
The following tale is a little sickening in the least and it has taken me a while to get over the after effects of this evening in question. 2 weeks in fact.
It was late on a Saturday afternoon when this guy wandered into my nightmares. He stood about 6ft tall and was kind of easy on the eyes :) Sandy blonde hair, very fit looking. He was carrying one of those little backpacks on his trim, taut back. He slung this little backpack over his shoulder and proceeded to extract his wallet from it. Shyly he asked me if he could get $5 change for the internet booth. Of course he can! He started to walk off and I said "Sorry Sir you can't take your backpack in there" I then explained to him that we have had people try and break into the coin machines in there or try to get to the hard-drive of the computer so we can't allow people to take items in (remind me to tell you about the guy with the butt-plug, the dildo, the magazine and the lube that wanted to use the booths) The young handsome fella was very understanding about all this and then asked if he could get something from the bag. Sure, I told him, but he pulled out a bottle of water, uh oh that's another no-no I'm afraid. Honestly this guy blushed the deepest shade of red I have ever seen as he pulled out a bottle of lubricant and asked if he could take that. I must admit, I was a little flustered (not as much as he was) and I said, um yeah you can take that in just try not to get it everywhere. The young handsome fella blushed even deeper and said "Oh man this is so embarrassing" " Don't worry about it" I said.
Well off young handsome fella toddles to the booths with his $5 and his bottle of lube. Watching on the camera I see him stick his head around the corner of the room the booths are in. "Umm this booth isn't working" he yells from the back of the shop. Now you all know by now how much I dislike being yelled at from the back of the store, but hey, I am as much a sucker for a good looking fella as anyone else is, so I went up there and lo and behold he has gone into one of the out of order booths. By now I should have been thinking something wasn't quite right shouldn't I? Nope, not me. I show him the errors of his ways and point him to a booth that is working.
Naively I walk back to the front of the store and carry on with my work. Suddenly an almighty racket starts up in the booth he is in, sounds like he is fighting with the chair and throwing it against the walls or something. My mind is going nuts at this stage with thoughts of what he could be doing in there, I won't go into detail because I have an absolutely filthy mind :)
Now $5 should last about half an hour in the booths and 45 minutes has now elapsed, ok he might have had some other coins on him. More banging and crashing going on in there and he has the volume on the mpeg he is watching turned up to the maximum, I turn the radio up behind me, doesn't help much.
An hour has now passed and he is still in there, hmmmmmm. It has also gone very very quiet in there. A few more customers wander in and my attention has wandered away from young handsome fella and by the time I realise it, he has been in there 2 and a half hours and for the last hour and a half there has been silence. Is he dead? Did he have a heart attack? Was the noise I heard him having an epileptic fit? Do I go knock on the door and ask him if he is alright? No, I will leave it for a while and see what happens. Another hour passes and it is getting towards closing time, I am still a little unsure about bothering him and I ask the next customer if he would mind just knocking on his door for me to see if he is ok. The lovely customer does just this and there is a mumble and movement from behind the door. Oh good he isn't dead then, thoughts of explaining to police and ambulance crews how it happened and why I didn't check on him earlier running through my head.
Young handsome fella walks back to counter, picks up his backpack and asks if I have a cloth and some spray and wipe. OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! these are NOT the kind of words I want to hear. I tell him no, I will clean up as I am closing the store soon and off young handsome fella toddles out the door.
Now this is where the squeamish may want to stop reading.....I will wait as you log out. Dum de dum.
Ok I walk down to the booth knowing it is not going to be good.............and it isn't!
There is lubricant ALL over the booth, up the walls, all over the keyboard, the mouse is smothered in it, as is the chair, underneath the chair, the back of the chair, the legs of the chair *gulp* I pull on my trusty rubber gloves, arm myself with my spray bottle of bleach and start the long job ahead of me. I hold my breath as I enter the booth and almost go arse over tit! My God there is about a 2 cm thick slick of lube on the floor! I am forced to swallow the vomit that has crawled it's way up my throat as I realise that there is cum slowly making its snail trail slick down the far wall. Ripping off half a roll of toilet paper I get to work, first the cum and the lube all over the wall, then all the lube and some suspicious streaks of.......well something brown on the chair. Not sure if I can get the mouse and the keyboard back into usable condition, but I will give it a try. It takes me 40 minutes to do a 5 minute job, gagging and having to leave for a breath of air every 30 seconds or so, and then the cherry on top of all of this......................you sure you are ready for this? I wasn't!
Time to empty the bin...............the bin is just one of those cheap wire paper jobbies and lined with an old plastic bag that you get when shopping. I reach down to put all the toilet paper I have used into it when I notice that oh goody................he PISSED in the bin!!!!!!
Now I know this isn't a funny story by any means and it wasn't funny to me and still isn't, but I swear, if he EVER shows his face back in here then the outcome will be hysterical.
It was late on a Saturday afternoon when this guy wandered into my nightmares. He stood about 6ft tall and was kind of easy on the eyes :) Sandy blonde hair, very fit looking. He was carrying one of those little backpacks on his trim, taut back. He slung this little backpack over his shoulder and proceeded to extract his wallet from it. Shyly he asked me if he could get $5 change for the internet booth. Of course he can! He started to walk off and I said "Sorry Sir you can't take your backpack in there" I then explained to him that we have had people try and break into the coin machines in there or try to get to the hard-drive of the computer so we can't allow people to take items in (remind me to tell you about the guy with the butt-plug, the dildo, the magazine and the lube that wanted to use the booths) The young handsome fella was very understanding about all this and then asked if he could get something from the bag. Sure, I told him, but he pulled out a bottle of water, uh oh that's another no-no I'm afraid. Honestly this guy blushed the deepest shade of red I have ever seen as he pulled out a bottle of lubricant and asked if he could take that. I must admit, I was a little flustered (not as much as he was) and I said, um yeah you can take that in just try not to get it everywhere. The young handsome fella blushed even deeper and said "Oh man this is so embarrassing" " Don't worry about it" I said.
Well off young handsome fella toddles to the booths with his $5 and his bottle of lube. Watching on the camera I see him stick his head around the corner of the room the booths are in. "Umm this booth isn't working" he yells from the back of the shop. Now you all know by now how much I dislike being yelled at from the back of the store, but hey, I am as much a sucker for a good looking fella as anyone else is, so I went up there and lo and behold he has gone into one of the out of order booths. By now I should have been thinking something wasn't quite right shouldn't I? Nope, not me. I show him the errors of his ways and point him to a booth that is working.
Naively I walk back to the front of the store and carry on with my work. Suddenly an almighty racket starts up in the booth he is in, sounds like he is fighting with the chair and throwing it against the walls or something. My mind is going nuts at this stage with thoughts of what he could be doing in there, I won't go into detail because I have an absolutely filthy mind :)
Now $5 should last about half an hour in the booths and 45 minutes has now elapsed, ok he might have had some other coins on him. More banging and crashing going on in there and he has the volume on the mpeg he is watching turned up to the maximum, I turn the radio up behind me, doesn't help much.
An hour has now passed and he is still in there, hmmmmmm. It has also gone very very quiet in there. A few more customers wander in and my attention has wandered away from young handsome fella and by the time I realise it, he has been in there 2 and a half hours and for the last hour and a half there has been silence. Is he dead? Did he have a heart attack? Was the noise I heard him having an epileptic fit? Do I go knock on the door and ask him if he is alright? No, I will leave it for a while and see what happens. Another hour passes and it is getting towards closing time, I am still a little unsure about bothering him and I ask the next customer if he would mind just knocking on his door for me to see if he is ok. The lovely customer does just this and there is a mumble and movement from behind the door. Oh good he isn't dead then, thoughts of explaining to police and ambulance crews how it happened and why I didn't check on him earlier running through my head.
Young handsome fella walks back to counter, picks up his backpack and asks if I have a cloth and some spray and wipe. OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! these are NOT the kind of words I want to hear. I tell him no, I will clean up as I am closing the store soon and off young handsome fella toddles out the door.
Now this is where the squeamish may want to stop reading.....I will wait as you log out. Dum de dum.
Ok I walk down to the booth knowing it is not going to be good.............and it isn't!
There is lubricant ALL over the booth, up the walls, all over the keyboard, the mouse is smothered in it, as is the chair, underneath the chair, the back of the chair, the legs of the chair *gulp* I pull on my trusty rubber gloves, arm myself with my spray bottle of bleach and start the long job ahead of me. I hold my breath as I enter the booth and almost go arse over tit! My God there is about a 2 cm thick slick of lube on the floor! I am forced to swallow the vomit that has crawled it's way up my throat as I realise that there is cum slowly making its snail trail slick down the far wall. Ripping off half a roll of toilet paper I get to work, first the cum and the lube all over the wall, then all the lube and some suspicious streaks of.......well something brown on the chair. Not sure if I can get the mouse and the keyboard back into usable condition, but I will give it a try. It takes me 40 minutes to do a 5 minute job, gagging and having to leave for a breath of air every 30 seconds or so, and then the cherry on top of all of this......................you sure you are ready for this? I wasn't!
Time to empty the bin...............the bin is just one of those cheap wire paper jobbies and lined with an old plastic bag that you get when shopping. I reach down to put all the toilet paper I have used into it when I notice that oh goody................he PISSED in the bin!!!!!!
Now I know this isn't a funny story by any means and it wasn't funny to me and still isn't, but I swear, if he EVER shows his face back in here then the outcome will be hysterical.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Man In The Hat
He saunters into the store looking like a cowboy from America, that is, if you can ignore the beer belly hanging over the top of his crusted up old black denim jeans, the three plugger cheap rubber thongs on his feet and the look of a months long unwashed body. But upon this man's head is a ?? 5 gallon hat ?? Not an Aussie Akubra or even an Akubra knock-off, but a genuine American cowboy hat, and when I say upon his head, I mean ON his head, not fitting down properly to the ears, but perched upon his unruly, dirty mop of black hair. I swear if I didn't work alone I would have been placing bets on how long it would stay on his head whilst he leant down to view stock.
Mr Wanna-Be Cowboy walks down one of the aisles with a dvd case in hand, and loudly asks (whilst still about 10 metres away from me) "A few questions about these movies" I wait until he gets to the counter because I am buggered if I am going to yell from half a store away to him. "What would you like to know?" "Uh can I buy em?" "Yes sir you may purchase anything you like, everything but myself is for sale in this shop" What I would have liked to say; "No dickhead, they are our Christmas decorations, put the bloody thing back before I call the cops, for fuck sake, of course you can buy them, they are not there just to give you guys a thrill by looking at them" But of course I didn't say that.
Mr Wanna-Be Cowboy then says"Well how much are they?" "All the prices are on the back of the cases sir, every dvd has a price on it" SMILE. Oh god I am being pleasant again!
"Alright, ummm I will take this one, and go have a look for some more"
Oh gooody, he has picked the cheapest dvd in the store, not holding out any hopes of getting a good sale from this guy? Finally he makes his purchase of 3 cheap dvd's and swaggers out of the store with his crappy fake cowboy hat wobbling atop his dirty head, oh please please please, let there be a strong wind outside :)
Mr Wanna-Be Cowboy walks down one of the aisles with a dvd case in hand, and loudly asks (whilst still about 10 metres away from me) "A few questions about these movies" I wait until he gets to the counter because I am buggered if I am going to yell from half a store away to him. "What would you like to know?" "Uh can I buy em?" "Yes sir you may purchase anything you like, everything but myself is for sale in this shop" What I would have liked to say; "No dickhead, they are our Christmas decorations, put the bloody thing back before I call the cops, for fuck sake, of course you can buy them, they are not there just to give you guys a thrill by looking at them" But of course I didn't say that.
Mr Wanna-Be Cowboy then says"Well how much are they?" "All the prices are on the back of the cases sir, every dvd has a price on it" SMILE. Oh god I am being pleasant again!
"Alright, ummm I will take this one, and go have a look for some more"
Oh gooody, he has picked the cheapest dvd in the store, not holding out any hopes of getting a good sale from this guy? Finally he makes his purchase of 3 cheap dvd's and swaggers out of the store with his crappy fake cowboy hat wobbling atop his dirty head, oh please please please, let there be a strong wind outside :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
No We Don't
Not sure how to write this post without sounding racist or xenophobic, but I am going to give it a try, (hell there probably isn't even anyone reading this anyway)
Had a gentleman come in to the store today, English was very obviously his second language. He asked me something, well mumbled it really and here is how the conversation went;
Me: "I'm sorry Sir, I didn't catch that"
Him: "Where I watch CD?"
Me: "CD? You mean DVD, movie?"
Him: "Yes, where I watch CD?"
Me: "Sorry Sir we don't have anywhere that you can watch a movie, you can buy one and take it home with you"
Him: "You got cheap CD's?"
Me: Yes, if you head straight down this aisle here, you will see our sale section, the cheapest ones are $10.00"
Him: "OK"
Said customer wanders off down to the sale section, glances over the cases then wanders into the internet booth. Uh oh here he comes again.
Him: "I watch CD in there?"
Me: No sorry, they are internet booths, computers, for going on the internet"
Him: "But I can watch a CD?"
Me: "In the internet booth you can put your money in and then watch a video clip, there are lots and lots of video clips on there or you can go to any website you want"
Him: "So I can buy CD and watch it in there?"
(Are you banging your head yet? Mine just decided to float free at this stage and I think it was watching pretty twinkling Christmas lights)
Me: "No Sir, there is absolutely nowhere in this store that you can watch a CD or a DVD, sorry"
The man then proceeded to stand in front of me and so god help me, if he opened his mouth again to ask where he could watch a CD, I was going to grab the one I had playing music behind me and ram it down his throat. He started to speak and before he got a chance I gave him directions to another store that I knew had a movie viewing booth, hell I even drew him a map! All he got from me after that was a huge smile as he was leaving the store to become someone else's problem.
C.D???
Had a gentleman come in to the store today, English was very obviously his second language. He asked me something, well mumbled it really and here is how the conversation went;
Me: "I'm sorry Sir, I didn't catch that"
Him: "Where I watch CD?"
Me: "CD? You mean DVD, movie?"
Him: "Yes, where I watch CD?"
Me: "Sorry Sir we don't have anywhere that you can watch a movie, you can buy one and take it home with you"
Him: "You got cheap CD's?"
Me: Yes, if you head straight down this aisle here, you will see our sale section, the cheapest ones are $10.00"
Him: "OK"
Said customer wanders off down to the sale section, glances over the cases then wanders into the internet booth. Uh oh here he comes again.
Him: "I watch CD in there?"
Me: No sorry, they are internet booths, computers, for going on the internet"
Him: "But I can watch a CD?"
Me: "In the internet booth you can put your money in and then watch a video clip, there are lots and lots of video clips on there or you can go to any website you want"
Him: "So I can buy CD and watch it in there?"
(Are you banging your head yet? Mine just decided to float free at this stage and I think it was watching pretty twinkling Christmas lights)
Me: "No Sir, there is absolutely nowhere in this store that you can watch a CD or a DVD, sorry"
The man then proceeded to stand in front of me and so god help me, if he opened his mouth again to ask where he could watch a CD, I was going to grab the one I had playing music behind me and ram it down his throat. He started to speak and before he got a chance I gave him directions to another store that I knew had a movie viewing booth, hell I even drew him a map! All he got from me after that was a huge smile as he was leaving the store to become someone else's problem.
C.D???
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